100 Dirty Jokes That Are Equal Parts Funny & Filthy
<b>Muahahaha.</b> WARNING: Very inappropriate (and hilarious) language ahead.
Muahahaha. WARNING: Very inappropriate (and hilarious) language ahead.
NBC Looking for jokes that won’t make you blush? Check out our list of knock-knock jokes, corny jokes, and the dumbest dad jokes we could find. If you’re in the mood for even more dirty humor, here are some dirty dad jokes, too.
—u/ReddiTurret
—u/Martofunes
Agus Fitriyanto / Getty Images —u/seasonweatherpepper
—u/Cylasbreakdown
—u/Tatsputin
EyeEm Mobile GmbH / Getty Images —u/deleted
—u/HellzBellz7
—u/ObiWanChlebovy
SimonSkafar / Getty Images —u/WalnutSnail
One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”
—u/-helpwanted
—u/cyberjar88
—u/cplcarlman
Xphotoz / Getty Images —u/Satanicbuttmechanic
—u/roldoBaggins
“But yesterday she bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn’t help myself.” The pastor pauses for a moment, then says, “Well I’m sorry, but you are not welcome in my church.”
“I understand,” says the husband. “We’re not welcome in Safeway anymore either.”
—u/GrumpyCatStevens
Wacharagorn Worasit / Getty Images —u/slaterbabe10
—DestryBrod
Warner Bros. —Tim-Tim
At 1:00 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
—bunyip
Harpazo_hope / Getty Images 
Ravena July / Getty Images/iStockphoto —sassyghoul20
—Reuben Glaser via Facebook
—David Harrison
—chi_liete
Francesco Carta Fotografo / Getty Images —loz1986
One day, the wife told her husband, “This is really working because my tits are so hot for you!” The husband replied, “I can see that, sweetheart!” The wife asked how he could see that, and the husband replied, “Well, one of your nipples is in your tea, and the other is in your soup!”
—bcheese
—mostlyharmless42
—jbdnco
Jim_pintar / Getty Images/iStockphoto —jillievanilli
—u/Supermouse911
—u/FatsP
—u/smaze381
Louise Legresley / Getty Images —JBird33
—u/aloysiusmind
Vendor says, “Raspberry syrup?”
“Yes please,” replies the bloke in the same painful sounding voice.
“Crushed nuts?”
“No,” says the bloke, pointing to his throat, “Laryngitis.”
—Salvatore Ward
—MaddieBuzz22
Fernando Trabanco FotografÃÂa / Getty Images —u/Alliwantispcb
—arinaaah
—Yowzawhit
—julianschwartz87
John M Lund Photography Inc / Getty Images —u/ShimoRinKatu
—squirrelking
—u/cooper284
—emilyh44b54a908.
Ahphotoswpg / Getty Images/iStockphoto —HersheySurgeon
—u/masnekmabekmapssy
—Alissa Heath via Facebook
—alexaa47c7d0cbc
Michael J. Cohen, Photographer / Getty Images —kcas15
—u/deleted
—u/Kurtoa
—Becky Sullivan Sheldon via Facebook
NBC —Erica Lynn Roberts via Facebook
—u/Toberoni
—prettyinpinkash
—emilyc49c1a7b61
Kozorog / Getty Images/iStockphoto —u/Fivecent
—Eli Sanchez via Facebook
—Spencer Althouse via Facebook
—u/ConnorK12
Image Source / Getty Images/Image Source —Odium44
—Jesse Petrie via Facebook
—u/TheKingy1991
—u/Easy-Cardiologist555
Pauws99 / Getty Images —kelseyleew
—Joshua Burns via Facebook
Sure enough, a few days later, she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says, “Young man, I would like to buy a condom, please.”
The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies, “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before…um. What size do you need?”
The old woman pauses, then replies, “I need one that will fit a camel.”
—Mario Lanza
“Did you see that fence on your way in? I built that fence. Do they call me Fence-Builder Johnson? No…” He downs a shot of whiskey.
“Did you see that barn down the road? I built that barn. Do they call me Barn-Raiser Johnson? No…” He downs another shot of whiskey.
“Did you see those storefronts on the main road in town? I built those. Do they call me Storefront Johnson? No…” He downs yet another shot of whiskey.
“But you fuck ONE goat…”
—davidcrose89
Aaronamat / Getty Images/iStockphoto —u/yooper80
—u/ahab_ahoy
—u/YesYesYesohGodYesYes
—Tim Covais via Facebook
Cris Cantón / Getty Images —Jami Merali via Facebook
—catesish
—Rachel Drum via Facebook
—u/J-Pom
Tetra Images / Getty Images/Tetra images RF —u/SierraDaMonster
—tazer413
—u/padfootforHP
—ashleyf16
John Lund / Getty Images —gracek4ae75ac6a
—marissanevarez54
—Kerry King-Neale via Facebook
—u/1963Jan
Matthias Kulka / Getty Images —cocotadrum
—CC07
—Katie Turner via Facebook
Emilija Manevska / Getty Images —liamp4f6ed8858
FAQ
DIY Pocket Square Guide
1. What is a Homemade Pocket Square? A homemade pocket square is a small fabric piece you make yourself and place in a jacket pocket for style. It is usually square, neat, and easy to fold into different shapes, such as a straight fold or a puff fold. You can make one from cotton, linen, silk, or even fabric scraps from an old shirt or dress. This makes it a low-cost way to add a clean finishing touch to a suit, blazer, or wedding outfit.
How to Make a Pocket Mod: 5-Minute DIY Mini Notebook Tutorial
Forget heavy notebooks—a pocket mod is a tiny 8-page booklet made from just one sheet of standard 8.5" × 11" paper that fits perfectly in your pocket, wallet, or purse for instant note-taking anywhere. You can make one in about 5 minutes with zero cost, and it’s perfect for students, commuters, or anyone who wants a quick way to jot down ideas like grocery lists, meeting notes, or quick doodles without dragging out a laptop or large notebook.
How to Make a Pocket Pussy: 6 Easy DIY Methods
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How to Make a Pocket at Home
1. What a pocket is and why it matters A pocket is a small fabric compartment added to clothing, bags, aprons, or craft projects so you can carry items like keys, coins, a phone, or a handkerchief. A good pocket should be strong, easy to use, and placed where it feels natural, such as on the hip of pants, the front of a shirt, or the inside of a bag.
How to Build a Homemade Pocket Hole Jig in 1 Afternoon
Pocket hole joinery is a simple and strong way to connect two boards together using angled screws that disappear into the wood. With a basic pocket hole jig, you can quickly assemble shelves, frames, cabinets, and small furniture without worrying about visible screw heads. The good news is you don’t need an expensive commercial jig to get started; you can build your own homemade pocket hole jig in an afternoon using common workshop tools and a few inexpensive parts.
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